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Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to ...
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with anybody else

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the men who wanted to marry her.
A man, of the women who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and After marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No use two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP.

2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER.

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY.

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT.

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER.

6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG.

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY.

9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE.

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER.

11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK.

12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT.

13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS.

14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE,ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE.

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER.

16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.

17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL.

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION.

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL.

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER.

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those
of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.


LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.


LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write are checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel
and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages he thought that at least
one of her husbands would have been able to perform.
He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything
was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying
'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.
He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process
but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration.
He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met
the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product,
he just wasn't sure how to position it.

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was
.....well.... My God, I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!!
I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

Why are men the way they are?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.
We're not jerks, just misunderstood.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can't men cuddle more?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure lying around
for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave
...Must go find wildebeest...

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired.
In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing
on this ability to their progeny. The fidgeting types were all gobbled up
by saber toothed tigers, lions, etc.. The end result is that almost all
modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.

What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up.
Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function
of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio
approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy
that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat.
You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that
we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally
much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things.
They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh
at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides,
it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe
the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could
miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think
this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker,
and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see.
We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon?
At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic.
It simply makes much more sense to
lease and upgrade to the younger... err...
I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like
dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now"
or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that
we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive
enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal
forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment.
(See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...Practice... (See also:
Do all men really masturbate?)

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily
impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.
And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only
be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other
things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever you
see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution
is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes.
You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?
How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful...loyal...
affectionate... and obedient... You owe dogs an apology!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger,faster
and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think
properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the
sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's
the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP -She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.