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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne will usually
not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.

Why do Italians wear mustaches?
So they can look like their mother.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

How do you piss off a female archeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.

Bumper Sticker:
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Why did god give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is, buddy: where the heck is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". That's dumb! What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What,
should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found
it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No,
dick nose: I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the
frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

7. The radio ad, "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober
either, Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake.

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me
a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
were going. You should know, asshole: you pulled me over.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2 Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4.Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

A married couple went together to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they
were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. As the doctor set the knob to 10% for
starters, he explained that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so
he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up
a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenlybrings
him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take
the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind
man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time
the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary,
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks
in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,.......
"Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph
Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound.

What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy
together?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
Answer: A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Answer: A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Answer: Beat IT - we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
Answer: To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Answer: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer: Dill-dough

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer: He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
Answer: She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
Answer. You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Answer: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
Answer: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Answer: Their balls are just for decoration.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well,
what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball
250 yards straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her
lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're
gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway ... about 15 ft. "That was
great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and
swing the club like you're supposed to!"

One day a bartender was tending his bar when a fellow walked in, ordered a
drink, and said, "Hi, my name's Bob, and I know everybody."

So the bartender, wanting to have a little fun, said, "I bet you don't know
Elvis." Bob says,"Oh, I know Elvis! We were kids together, we grew up
together." So Bob and the bartender made a bet that Bob didn't know Elvis.
Bob & the bartender went down to the cheap apartment in Mexico where Bob
thought Elvis was living, tapped on the door, and Elvis
answered. "Bob, OLE' buddy, long time no see!....etc.." So Bob won his bet
with the bartender.
Two weeks later, Bob walks back into the bar, orders a drink, and says,
"Hi,
my name's Bob, and I know everybody." So the bartender says, " Oh yeah? I
bet you don't know Tom Hanks." Bob replies, " Oh, yeah, Tom & I were on a
Little League team together; I know Tom!" So Bob & the bartender make
another bet, and they go to Hollywood. Bob drives them to Tom Hank's mansion,
and they knock on the door. Tom Hanks answers the door and exclaims," Bob,
where've you been all this time!...etc..." So Bob won his second bet with
the bartender.
Three weeks later Bob walks back into the bar, orders a drink, and says,
"Hi
my name's Bob, and I know everybody." The bartender looks at Bob, and
says,"Look, Bob, you've almost won all my money.
But I'll bet my last $200 that you don't know the Pope."
Bob says, (can you guess?) "Oh, yeah, the Pope & I were in Scouts together, I
know the Pope." So Bob & the bartender go to the Vatican & stand with the
huddled masses, waiting for the Pope to come out & address them. The Pope
doesn't appear, and Bob says, "Gee, maybe I'd better go check on him and make
sure he's OK." The bartender is all like, "Yeah, you go check on the Pope.
Sure." So Bob goes to check on the Pope, and in a few minutes comes out on
the little balcony thing with his arm around the Pope. Then Bob notices that
his friend the bartender has passed out, so he excuses himself & runs to the
bartender. He quickly revives the bartender and asks,"Gee, was it losing
your last $200 that made you pass out like that?"
The bartender replies," No--when you came out with your arm around the
Pope, this nice little old lady said, 'Hey, who is that up there with Bob?'